Redbox Etiquette

I didn’t know what all the hype was about…until Thanksgiving. You see, I thought this whole “Redbox” thing was another way that corporate America was tearing the social fiber of the family and denigrating the American worker to the lowly position of “stock-boy” (I did my nickel at Winn-Dixie in Oviedo, Fl). But then, on a cold November evening, I rented two painfully awful movies for $2 and I am hooked.

Recently, while standing in line at the local Redbox in a cold, light rain, waiting to return yet another bad movie, I wondered at the rules of etiquette for a typical Redbox transaction. You know, like how you’re supposed to stand 15 feet behind the guy in front of you at an ATM. Or how you’re not supposed to crowd in on a guy using their debit card at the grocery store. Or how, no mater how loud and annoying that 7 year-old brat is whining about wanting a cookie, you’re not allowed to yell at them. That kind of etiquette.

And this is an important conversation we need to be having right now. All across America, hundreds of thousands of people are waiting behind that little old lady who hasn’t heard of half the titles and wants to make sure she picks just the right one. I know I am.

So I’ve come up with a couple of rules that might be helpful in your next Redbox experience. You might like to add some more at the end.

1. You cannot judge a book by its cover. You can judge a movie by its poster. If it has guns, cars, huge block lettering, a guy with a scar, or an explosion on the cover – it is probably a great movie. If it has horses, the silhouette of a man and woman, squiggly writing, lots of green flowers, and the word “affair” in the title – it probably won’t be worth your $1.
2. Read fast. Every movie has a 50 word summery, who’s in it, what’s it about, running time, how many stars some guy in a cubicle somewhere thinks it should have. Most of these 50 words are filler. The rest of them are lies. Seriously, if you wanted to read about the movie, you should go and buy the book.
3. Look at the arrow on the case. I know this one from experience. When returning a Redbox DVD, make sure you have the arrow – conveniently printed on all the Redbox cases – pointed in the right direction. There are four possible choices, that makes 3 of them wrong. The machine is not broken. Stop looking like a hurt puppy every time it kicks it back out.
4. Advice. This is a tricky one. I personally think that nobody wants to hear your opinion about movies. However, if you must let the whole world know how big your man crush on Nicholas Cage is, talk loudly and animatedly with your partner about how great a particular movie is. Do not direct your conversation to the person in front of you unless explicitly requested. While this may pose problems when movie shopping alone, if you still talk loudly and animatedly to yourself, the guy in front of you may become uncomfortable and decide on Blockbuster.
5. It’s only a dollar. I know this is a tough one for some of you OCD, type A, tight-wads. You aren’t going to find the perfect movie. It’s not that you can’t. It’s that the perfect movie doesn’t exist – at least not at your local Redbox. Man up, close your eyes, drop your finger and walk away. Trust me, we’ll all be happier.
6. Promotionals. Every now and then, Redbox sends a convenient email to certain customers offering them a free Redbox rental. I know how exciting this must feel. Please contain yourself. Those of you who run about telling everyone to “Rent a movie by midnight with this promo-code,” emailing, texting, sky-writing, have become the modern equivalent of alchemists – triumphantly celebrating their shiny piece of lead. See rule number 5.

I hope this has been helpful. If I’ve missed an important rule or two – leave a message and tell us about it. Happy Redboxing.

~ by sholander on January 8, 2008.